The King
by goodgirl275
Summary: After the Promised Day, Edward awakes to unfamiliar surroundings and strangers calling him "Tamaki". Not really sure where this will go, but I really wanted to write something for FMA day and this is what happened.
1. Awareness

**Happy FMA day XD**

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When Edward came to awareness, he found himself laying on his back, staring at a domed ceiling. Whatever he was laying on was fluffy and soft, and enveloped his _perfectly average sized body_ like it was moulded to him.

Edward was very, very scared. Well, he wouldn't call it _scared_ , exactly, more like completely and totally out of his depth in a very fancy, very unfamiliar place. More like a gilded prison, really. It's not like it really mattered anymore, though. Ed had traded away his gate for Alphonse's body. In theory, Al should be home; weak and frail but alive and in his body in the middle of a transmutation circle in Amestris.

Speaking of which, Ed didn't think he was in Amestris anymore. Ed tumbled out of bed, unused to his perfectly balanced, completely flesh body. Where had his automail gone?

"Master Tamaki?" An old woman called through the opulent pink door, concern lacing her voice. "Are you alright in there?"

"Yes, um, yes ma'am?" Edward hesitantly called, studying his surroundings. The room was mostly pink, with floor-to-ceiling windows taking up the entirety of the wall across from his door. The room was long and rectangular, with the bed and a tidy desk situated on the same wall as the door. A large collage of strangers was hung on an otherwise unmarked wall, and directly across from it were two less fancy doors.

"Don't forget you have school today, Master Tamaki." The woman said before the clicking of heels alerted to him that she was moving away.

"School…?" Ed muttered, opening and peeking out of the exit to find that 'his' room was situated at the end of a hall of the same garish color.

"Master Tamaki!" Gasped an extraordinarily plain girl in a maid outfit as she caught a glimpse of what he was wearing. "You're indecent!"

"What…?" Edward looked down to find himself wearing a pair of powder blue pants and a matching nightshirt. "I guess I am?"

"Please, you must get dressed!" The maid bustled into his room, marching across it to throw open one of the doors, which led to a walk-in closet. "Here," she said, eyes slightly averted as she held out a powder blue suit jacket, a white button-down shirt, a thin tie, and a pair of black slacks.

Edward stared blankly at her for a moment, before the maid sighed. "I thought rich people at least knew how to _dress_ themselves," she muttered, before putting the uniform on the unmade bed. "Arms out," she ordered, and, startled, Ed moved to do her bidding. What next occurred was extremely disorienting and uncomfortable for Edward, but the next thing he knew he was stepping out of a black limo in front of a large pink building just as garish, if not more so, as the mansion he had just departed.

"There you are, Tamaki," an oily voice said from behind him.

"Bastard!" Ed growled, spinning to find himself face to face with an unknown black-haired man with a striking resemblance to his CO.

The man's glasses caught the light, hiding his widened eyes. Tamaki's face had been filled with rage (something he thought he'd never see the other wear) and relief, but as they made what Kyoya considered eye contact he practically radiated disappointment and confusion.

"Who are you?" Kyoya snapped. "Because you're definitely not that idiot Tamaki."


	2. Prologue

**I know this is super-short (like Ed~) but I didn't really set up the story very well last chapter. Hence, this _extremely_ short (again, like Ed~) prologue. Next update should be longer. Thanks for all the support! **

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"Even if I lose my alchemy, I still have my friends!" The oldest Elric brother shouted at Truth, a crazy grin stretched across the entity's otherwise blank face.

"You've defeated me~!" Truth crowed, his body dissolving into papery flakes along with the enormous stone doors. "Even gone, though, the gate is a part of you. There is always a price!"

Truth's mouth disappeared last, his cheshire grin dissolving into scraps and floating away, revealing the other large gate hidden behind him. Sitting in front of the gargantuan pair of doors was an emaciated figure. Ed smiled, and ran towards his brother. Alphonse stretched out his arms to greet him, wobbling to his feet like a fawn. They embraced, and prepared to return home - to return to Amestris.

The Gate opened, monolithic doors swinging open. Ed and Al walked into the blinding light behind the door, Al with one arm slung over Ed's shoulders. They ventured into the light.


	3. Kyoya and Tamaki's Totally Average Day

_A/N - I wanted this to be longer, but I also wanted to post on Halloween. So, sorry for the wait, but I now have an idea of where I want the next couple chapters to go, so... Fair trade? Anyways, please enjoy the chapter!_

 **Way back in chapter 1…**

"Who are you?" Kyoya snapped. "Because you're definitely not that idiot Tamaki."

 **And now…**

"Oh, thank god," Ed sighed. "I have no idea who the fuck Tamaki is, but everyone's been calling me that since this morning."

Kyoya's eyes narrowed, mouth set in a hard line. "Who. Are. You." His voice was low, and to anyone else, it would have been bone-chilling. But Ed had faced the Truth, and he was not intimidated.

"Call me Ed." The Fullmetal Alchemist smirked, and Kyoya gave him a flat look. "No, seriously, my name is Edward Elric. I just… kinda… woke up like this?"

"... Alright. Look, for now, just follow me. We need to go to class." Ed scrutinized the other's face, but Kyoya was unreadable.

The two made their way into the garish pink building, Ed trying to make small talk, and Kyoya ignoring the blonde. The day passed quickly, and Kyoya studied the… Ed. He was proficient in foreign language, as was Tamaki. However, that was all that was the only subject where Tamaki truly flourished. While Tamaki was okay at math and science, Ed flourished, much to the pleasure of their teachers. Tamaki was pretty good at history and recalling information, but Ed sat through the lecture with a blank stare, totally uncomprehending. Thankfully, the teacher seemed more interesting in droning on than paying attention to the students, and Ed managed to avoid suspicion.

During lunch, when Tamaki would usually drag Kyoya to sit with the rest of the Host Club, Kyoya had pulled him aside to eat in a classroom. He felt a little relieved when he saw Ed eat: messy with food flying everywhere, like a child trying to be neat but making a bigger mess for all their effort.

Finally, after their grueling day, it was time for Club activities to start.

"Sit here and don't leave the room," Kyoya ordered, fixing Ed with a stern gaze.

"Maybe I will and maybe I won't," Ed growled. After a long day of polite behavior, his fiery personality was beginning to show through.

"Why must you be such a bother," the Cool Type sighed and pushed up his glasses.

"Well, for starters, you haven't even told me your name yet!" Ed turned away, seething.

Kyoya's eyebrows shot up. "If I tell you my name, will you stay put?"

"Sure, I give up. I'll stay if you tell me your name."

Giving a short bow, Kyoya smiled charmingly. "My name is Ootori Kyoya. I am a highschool second year, and vice president of the Ouran Highschool Host Club. Pleased to make your acquaintance."

Ed stared for a moment, sighed and flopped his body on a convenient couch. "Nice ta meetcha, Kyoya. I'm Edward Elric, call me Ed. Now, If you'll excuse me…" The teen began to snore loudly, an invitation for Kyoya to leave the room.

Kyoya smiled, just a little, a fond smirk reserved for Tamaki only. "Please excuse me," he said softly, and left the room.


	4. Fujioka Enters

**A/N: Give thanks. A less-crappy-than-usual and, more importantly,** _ **long**_ **chapter for American Thanksgiving. Thanks to everyone who favorited, followed, and reviewed for their support!**

 **Previously: Ed woke up in Tamaki's body and went to school. Kyoya quickly noticed that Tamaki was not really Tamaki. Ed has survived the school day and takes a nap while Kyoya goes to take charge of the club for the day.**

Tamaki knew he had gone to sleep in bed that night. Yet, why now was he waking up at school? In the middle of the afternoon, no less?! His white collared shirt was buttoned crookedly, requiring buttoning from scratch. Fixing his shirt and tightening his tie - _noose_ , a small part of his brain protested - Tamaki swung his long legs off the couch and stood up.

"Are club hours over?" The King murmured, striding across the room and gently trying the knob of the door. It was locked, and no amount of banging or calling was bringing anyone to investigate, though Tamaki could hear murmurs beyond the portal. Thankfully, a convenient tray of glass mugs rested on a nearby cart. Elegantly picking one up, Tamaki rested it against the door and settled in to listen.

"How… sure… not Tama-chan?" Hunny-senpai's normally cheerful voice was low and serious.

"... physically… is but mentally? He… refer to him as Ed," that one was definitely Kyoya. Who was Ed? A new student? Could he be a new candidate for the host club? _Definitely not_ , his mind scoffed. Momentarily startled by the rude thought, Tamaki glanced around nervously, but was distracted by the sound of his daughter's beautiful voice.

"... don't know any Ed… sure Senpai's not just… pull one over on us? Let me just…" Tamaki swooned, not even paying attention to the actual contents of Haruhi's words. _Why are you such an idiot? You obviously like her, so why do you call her your daughter? Got an incest kink or somethin'?_

Tamaki stumbled away from the door, the glass slipping through his fingers and shattering on the floor. Love? He wasn't in love with Haruhi, she was his precious daughter! Why would he say- think- whaa?

 _Alright, let's just take it easy…_ Tamaki's eyes grew heavy. "But I just… woke up…" Tamaki slumped against the wall, hair covering his purple eyes. He was still for a few moments, shallow breaths barely moving the tall teen.

His eyes flew back open and he leapt to his feet. His feet shifted so his weight was distributed, and this arms were held close to his body, ready to block any attack.

"What in the world…" Ed muttered, relaxing enough to loosen the tie and undo a couple shirt buttons.

"Senpai?" A brunette stranger poked his head in. "Are you alright, Senpai?"

"Who the hell are you?" Ed glared at the stranger, who gaped at him.

"Kyoya-senpai was right. You're definitely not Senpai," the stranger fully entered the room, shutting the door behind him. "My name is Fujioka Haruhi. Tamaki-senpai is a year above me. If you didn't know that much, you're not a very good impersonator."

"Who the hell are you calling an impersonator?!"

"Eh? Is that not what you're supposed to be?" Haruhi tilted his head to the side, and Ed blushed. Glancing away, he wiped his upper lip with his index finger.

"Y'know, you're pretty feminine for a dude."

"That's because I am a girl."

Ed stared for a moment, then decided he really did not want to have a gender politics conversation at this point in time and hastily changed the subject. "So, I'm Ed."

"I've gathered."

"...Okay then."

"..."

"..."

"So why are you here?"

"I dunno. I pretty much punched a god-like entity in the face, and I woke up with people calling me Tamaki."

"...Wow. Okay then."

"So, who is this Tamaki, anyways?" Ed flopped back on the couch, crossing one leg over the other as Haruhi crossed her arms.

"This would probably be a better question for Kyoya-senpai, but I'll try to answer anyways," Haruhi said, crossing to sit at the other end of the couch.

"Then why did they send you to talk to me?"

"Probably because they knew that if Tamaki was faking, I would be the most likely to get him to stop messing around," Haruhi glanced away. "Well, that and if Kyoya-senpai leaves everyone else unattended for too long, everything would probably fall apart. Damn rich people."

"Oh."

"Anyways, Suoh Tamaki," Haruhi took a deep breath, angling herself on the couch to face Ed. "Tamaki-senpai is a 2nd year here at Ouran Academy, and son of Suoh Yuzuru, who's the Chairman of the board. From what I know, Senpai isn't very close with his dad, and I'm pretty sure they live at separate estates. Senpai may be an idiot, but he has good intentions. Oh, and he's filthy rich."

"So what's this club thing Kyoya was talkin' about?" Ed leaned towards Haruhi, distrust glinting in his eyes.

"Oh, right. _That_ ," Haruhi said with disgust. "It's a host club."

"A… host… club?"

"Tamaki-senpai normally explained… not in a good way, of course, but whatever," Haruhi stood, and gave a simple short bow. "I'm sorry. I don't want to talk about it. You can ask someone else later."

"Oh…" They trailed off into silence. "So… what do we do now?"

"I guess, since you really aren't Tamaki-senpai…" Haruhi glanced at him. "We introduce you to his friends and try to figure out where the real Senpai is."

"Alright then."

Haruhi purposefully strode to the garish pink door and pushed it open. It shone with a white light, and rose petals fluttered out, caught in a breeze.

"Welcome," said five voices in unison as their silhouettes became visible to the Alchemist.


	5. The Most Bland Introduction Ever Written

**A/N - aw shit it's been a while and Ed and Kyoya are acting distinctly OOC and I promise I'm working on writing but this is turning out not as good as I want and this is super short but I'm just gonna shut up and let you read**

 **Previously: Ed woke up in Tamaki's body and went to school. Kyoya quickly noticed that Tamaki was not really Tamaki. Ed has survived the school day and takes a nap while Kyoya goes to take charge, and Tamaki wakes up confused. Ed is back in control and meets Haruhi, and is about to meet the rest of the hosts...**

"We don't have long before guests start arriving," Kyoya began, scribbling furiously in his little black notebook. "We can't afford to stay closed for the day, which means we either need to find Tamaki in ten minutes or see how well you can act."

"Huh? Why me?" Ed crossed his arms over his chest and took a step forward.

"Because, Tamaki-senpai is the host with the highest request rate, or something," Haruhi muttered just loud enough to be heard.

"Though Haruhi here is becoming a close second," Kyoya interjected, snapping the notebook shut.

"Hey, hey!" A small blond boy interjected. "The rest of us haven't gotten a chance to meet Edo-chan yet~!"

"That's right," His stoic companion agreed.

"That's probably because we should be open for business in just a couple minutes," one of the red haired doppelgängers said, shrugging.

"Yeah, doesn't leave much time for much needed introductions," the other said, mirroring his twin.

"Anyways, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance," the first one said, as his brother finished with a mischievous "Edo-chan~"

"Uhh," Ed tried to lean away from the twins who were languidly leaning on his shoulders, and shook out his arms to try to shoo them off. "Look, just… what do I need to do? From what I gather, your friend seems to be a delusional asshole."

"You got the delusional part right," Haruhi muttered.

"But Tama-chan is more of an idiot than anything else," the blonde boy piped up.

"And how would you know what he's like, anyways?" The twins leaned towards Ed again, and tripped over each other as Ed fluidly dodged the mischievous boys.

"Hey, I'm just calling it like I see it," Ed crossed his arms. "And is still don't know everyone's name!"

Kyoya stepped forward. "The Hitachiin twins, Hikaru and Kaoru," he indicated the red-headed boys. "Haninozuka Mitsukuni and Morinozuka Takashi," the blonde boy and his stoic friend waved.

"But you can call us Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai!" Haninozuka- or rather, Honey, said.

"And with that, our time is up," Kyoya frowned. "Just… try to act like a conceited prince madly in love with everything, everyone, and especially yourself."

Ed found himself shoved into a gold chair with red velvet cushions so luxurious it would have been better to call it a throne. The hosts arranged themselves around him, posing with each other but all smiling. Ed tried to force a grin to his face, but it contorted into more of a grimace as the doors swung open and he found himself about to be swallowed by a sea of yellow marshmallow dresses.


	6. Ed FlirtsTamaki Swears

**A/N - I know it's short and took forever to come out, and I'm sorry for that. I'm going into a busy time of year, and it's uncertain how often I'll be able to update. Anyways, I'll do my best to write more. Please enjoy!**

* * *

"Good luck," Haruhi whisper-shouted as she was dragged away by a horde of screaming girls. Another swarm crowded around Ed, whose face was frozen in a smirk that really looked more like a grimace, not that the girls seemed to mind.

The girls were a giggling swarm that swept him to a more secluded area with two gold-and-velvet couches and a coffee table between them.

"N-now, now, one at a time, l-ladies," Ed tried to soothe, desperately trying to conjure memories of Mustang's flirting. Turning to one particularly average girl, he forced a grin. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? 'Cuz you're an angel…"

The girls grew silent, staring at him.

 _Shit_ , Ed thought, _I thought it went something like that…_

Suddenly, the girl he spoke to collapsed on the couch, swooning. If this was an anime, she would have melted into a puddle, never to be seen again. Ed breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh, Tamaki," another girl spoke. "How are you so beautiful and poetic?"

"I look at you and speak from the heart, my dear. After all, I can't really help being poetic with such inspiring muses," Ed answered instinctively. Instincts that… he didn't remember ever having. The only girl he had ever been into was Winry, and he was awkward as hell when they started developing as more than friends.

Ed posed and bullshitted those poor girls for about an hour before he began to grow tired. In another situation, it could have been entertaining for longer, but his mind began to wander. How had he gotten there? Sure, some bullshit from the truth, yadda yadda, but that didn't explain why he looked like this Tamaki idiot. Or why he woke up from his nap in a place across the room from where he was before.

Eventually though, Ed caught a break as the girls ran out of Tamaki time. Reclining his lengthy body into the luxurious couch, Ed sighed, and shut his eyes once more.

* * *

Tamaki awoke to find himself in the main parlor of Music Room #3, sprawled on his usual hosting couch.

"Nani the fu-" he was cut off by a round of squealing as several girls raced towards him. Eyes widening in shock, he slapped a hand over his mouth, muffling a curse at the near profanity. Then another at his actual profanity, and so on and so forth until a plump girl with beestung lips tapped his shoulder and inquired as to his health. Pasting on a princely smirk, Tamaki began his usual routine: flirting with everything that moves.

This included a disgruntled Haruhi, who mumbled about some guy name Ed (Note to self: track down the evil man who dared flit across the pure mind of his daughter). She wandered off as he elegantly sipped his instant coffee, and soon enough he returned to his guests.

Soon enough, it was time for the guests to leave, so Tamaki waited on the couch for the second wave. Pulling out his flip phone, Tamaki glanced at the time display.

"Oh no, I'm late!" Pulling his things together, he dashed out the door, ignoring the cries of his club members as he blew past them.

As he skidded through the halls towards the administrative offices, a thought itched in the back of his brain. By all means, he had missed the school day, and probably the first round of guests as well. What had happened in that missing time?

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 **Ooooh, where is Tamaki going? What's he late for? Will Tamaki and Ed ever realize that they're sharing a body? Find out, when I feel like writing again. But, we finally finished the first day! Now only like thirty years to go...**


	7. A CEO, A Matriarch, and Two French Kids

**I wanted to upload this March 14th for White Day, but it wasn't at a good stopping point. I don't think this is a very good stopping point either, but it's been so long I felt like I should upload it as soon as possible. There shouldn't be such a long wait again in the foreseeable future, I just had a really busy month.**

* * *

Every good school has some good office ladies. Y'know, the ladies who sit around doing academic busywork, taking care of the whims of students who happened to need assistance, and being pleasantly aesthetic pencil pushers. A soft "tatatatata" made a few look up, and more glanced away from their work as the noise grew.

A cloud of dust followed Tamaki as he speed-walked through the office, blowing papers off of desks, hairs out of place, and causing general havoc as the "TATATATA" of his patent leather loafers clicking on the floor made the office ladies frown. They didn't frown too hard, though - wouldn't want to get wrinkles.

With one last click of his heels, Tamaki halted in front of a pair of double doors at the end of the room. He waited a moment for the dust to settle, and cautiously rapped his knuckles on large mahogany portal.

"Come in," someone said through the door, and Tamaki slipped inside. Shutting the door behind him with a soft thunk, Tamki glanced around the familiar office. The paneled walls on either side of him were bare, but directly ahead was clear glass, shades drawn halfway down but doing nothing to shield the halfu's eyes from the setting sun. Situated directly in front of the window was a broad desk, with papers, pens, and two framed photos angled towards the chair. The chair itself was a comically large and broad spinny chair, which slowly and dramatically spun around to face him.

"Hello, son," the man seated in the chair had once been very handsome, but age had creased his face so that he was only moderately handsome now. His charming smile was familiar, probably because it mirrored Tamaki's own flirtatious smirk. He wore a white business suit and a pink striped tie, with a handkerchief elegantly sticking out of his pocket. Yes, Suoh Yuzuru was the picture of a composed gentleman, even when his mother stepped out from a shadow.

"Hello, Tamaki," the old woman said, not even gracing her grandson with a smile. "We have much to discuss."

Tamaki stepped back, gasping dramatically. "Grandmama?!"

"Yes Tamaki, it's me," she frowned. Tamaki was usually more respectful to her. When had the boy grown the balls to be sarcastic around the Suoh matriarch? "I've come to make a deal with you."

With a wave of her hand, and a click of a button on a remote, she gestured grandly to a blank wall. Everyone waited a moment, and nothing happened.

"Oh, dammit," Shizue muttered, sneaking a glance at the remote. "That was Life Alert, not the garage door." Pulling out a TV remote from her obi, Shizue proceeded to press every button on it, swearing gratuitously as the technology tormented her. Tamaki made the mistake of not smothering one of his giggles, and his grandmother's head snapped to him, eyes glinting and TV remote crushed in her fist.

"L-let me, Grandma…" Tamaki gently pried the remote from her grasp, and, frowning, Shizue relented.

Sweat ran down Tamaki's neck as his grandmother started at the remote from over his shoulder. How was she even doing that? She was a foot shorter than him!

Refocusing on the device, he began reading the button labels. "Car Unlock, Car Lock, Trapdoor A, Trapdoor B, Trapdoor… D? Trapdoor E, Release the Hounds, Dramatic Entrance-"

"Ooh! Ooh! That one! Dramatic Entrance! Mr. Trebeck, what is: Dramatic Entrance!" Shizue slapped Tamaki's head like a buzzer. _Is she going senile, or is this normal?_ Not like Tamaki ever saw her enough to know.

"Alright, I'm pressing it…" Pressing the Dramatic Entrance button, the blank wall Shizue had gestured to before began to rise, fog from a well-hidden fog machine ghosting along the floor. Tamaki pinched his nose, and Yuzuru coughed as innocuously as possible.

"Did someone say… Dramatic Entrance?" A girl smirked as she lowered a pair of opera glasses from stunning blue eyes. "Eclair Tonnerre, at your service, Tamaki~"


	8. Omake: Shit Gets Real

**Happy Easter Fools, Bitches.**

 **.**

Tamaki's vision slowly came into focus. Surrounding him was a crowd of strangers, bloodied men and women with torn clothes and sparking eyes. "Did anyone catch the truck of the number that hit me?" He sat up, and noticed that next to him lay a gaunt-faced boy covered in a long coat.

"Edward," said a golden-haired man. "You did it." He smiled, and opened his arms as if asking for a hug.

"Um..." Tamaki dithered, rubbing his left arm with an aching and startlingly thin left. "Who... is Edward?"

The golden man stumbled backwards, one hand covering his mouth as tears pooled in his eyes.

"The toll he paid... The mind is that gateway between the body and soul. He must have paid his mind and knowledge to restore Alphonse," the golden man, _let's just call him Goldilocks_ , was explaining to the gathered crowd.

"Excuse me," Tamaki raised his hand. "If I lost my mind, or knowledge, or whatever, then shouldn't I not know how to talk? Or anything I know? And who is Edward?!"

" _You're_ Edward," said Goldilocks, ignoring his previous two questions entirely. "And that is your brother, Alphonse. You sacrificed everything to save him, body and soul." A tear hung from one eye, as he and the others bemoaned the loss of 'his' mind.

"But... I'm not Edward."

"... wut?"

"Yeah, my name is Suoh Tamaki."

"..."

"..."

"... oh"

"... yeah."

"...Then where the hell is Ed?!"

 **.**

"Achoo!" Edward sneezed, and rubbed his dripping nose.

"God bless you," Kyoya said, his glasses shining and Death Note- I mean ORDINARY LEDGER grasped firmly in his palms. Yes.

"Thanks," Ed said, and they continued on to class.

 **.**

 **THIS IS NOT PART OF THE STORY. I'm so sorry I love all of you the real chapter should be up soon. (How soon is soon? Anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. Somewhere in there)**

 **P.S. If you read this on AO3 the website is being shitty and I might be forced to post this tomorrow. Oops.**


	9. The Golden Glasses

**Sorry this took so long and sorry it's short. I'm not very good at writing long chapters, as I tend to lose interest, but working in short bursts allows me to write, revise, and post as fast as I can. Thank you for the lovely reviews, they inspire me to keep going!**

* * *

 **Last _real_ chapter: Tamaki made it to the Chairman's office, where he encountered his father, Suoh Yuzuru, and grandmother, Suoh Shizue, who is possibly senile. Shizue introduced Eclair Tonnerre, a rich French girl with a peculiar fondness for opera glasses. **

A girl. Tamaki knew how to deal with girls. Flawlessly hiding his confusion and irritation behind a suave smirk, he strode across the room. "Eclair Tonnerre? What a lovely name for a lovely lady. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mademoiselle~" Tamaki bowed at the waist, capturing the girl's one free hand and placing a delicate kiss on her knuckles.

"Well, aren't you quite the charmer," Eclair smirked, and raised her opera glasses back over her eyes. "I've been watching you, you know. You seem to get along well with your club members, you're kind to girls, and, of course, you're well off…"

Tamaki's smile became a little forced. She was… watching him? Well that's not creepy at all.

"Look, Tamaki, I'll cut right to the chase," she rapped Tamaki on the head with the shiny golden binoculars, and Tamaki froze. Gold. Aurum, or Au. Atomic number 79, group 11, period 6, a transition metal. This sample was 14 karats. Not 24 karat, not pure, but 14 karats, so probably a real sample rather than an illegally transmuted product. 14 karats, an alloy of gold, usually with copper, silver, or zinc. From the pink tint, this gold is probably primarily alloyed with copper. From the weight, roughly 60% of it is pure gold, so perhaps a little less than the previously estimated 14 karats. Negligible. The lens was glass, so likely a common quartz compound. Not a metal, not my expertise…

"... and that's my offer." Tamaki blinked.

"Uh…"

"No need to respond now, I'm completely aware of the depth of my offer. Please take some time to think it over. I'm sure you'll make the right choice," awkwardly smooshing her finger to Tamaki's lips, she drew close to him for a moment, just long enough for him to get a whiff of her vanilla shampoo. She spun and exited through the open wall, which closed seamlessly behind her.

The fog that had been building since Eclair's entrance was sucked into the room's air vents, and Tamaki noticed he was alone. His father and Grandmother must have left as Eclair was talking. But then… what had Eclair said?! What was her all-important offer?! With a groan, Tamaki crouched in a corner. Immediately, some small mushrooms sprouted out of the marble floor. Gently nudging them with his handy dandy poking stick, Tamaki sulked.

What had that even been? He had spaced out for Eclair's question, or offer, or whatever, and had instead started listing things he didn't even know he knew about gold! And "illegally transmuted product"?! What the actual FUCK?

Tamaki shook his head, his blond bangs covering his eyes. Gentlemen don't swear. Don't lower themselves to such a level of common crassness and ineloquence. What was _wrong_ with him?


	10. Dense Idiots Aren't Always Dense

**So I was sitting in history class the other day, and I felt bad that I was so vague about how the opera glasses work. Modern binoculars use a prism to focus the image from both lenses into one picture you see, whereas older French military binoculars I've studied (I imagine that Eclair would have a vintage pair of French opera glasses) would be like two periscopes on your face. They have finely ground glass lenses and no prism consolidating their images into one.**

 **Also, while there is glass made of quartz, it is used for more industrial purposes as it has a way higher melting point, though this also makes it more difficult to manufacture. There are silicon-quartz synthetic processes and such to make it, but I don't know too much about it. It's not really used in glasses like Eclair would have. Her lenses are made from melted sand, and Ed would be able to make glass from sandstone deposits or something idk.**

 **In the last chapter, I also mentioned that if something is "not a metal, not [Ed's] expertise." That's not quite true. Ed is specialized in stone and metal, but he also has a strong foundation in biology, anatomy, and anything relating to Human Transmutation. As glass is made of the same components as stone, he would technically have expertise in the area. The reason the information stopped there is because I'm an idiot and wanted to stop writing. I'm probably better at editing than writing… that's probably why this huge-ass author's note is longer than a normal chapter.**

 **Anyways, nothing is changing in the story's update "schedule," chapters come out as I finish them, and don't get more than a rough edit. I'm posting this A/N because I felt really bad about my errors in the previous chapter, which, I admit, was shorter than I wanted it to be. My chapters are short because I procrastinate a lot, and if they were longer they would never get released smh. I tried really hard to make a long chapter for y'all to apologise for this super-long A/N... Anyways, I appreciate all the support and reviews! It makes my day.**

 **TL;DR: I explained my shortcomings in the last chapter. Nothing is changing updatewise, I just wanted to explain some things I messed up.**

Tamaki returned home as normal: in a stretch limo with a flute of sparkling cider held listlessly in one hand. The vehicle rolled to a smooth stop in the Suoh Second Estate's driveway, and Tamaki dreamily got out. Not stopping to admire the perfectly raked gravel path, or the large decorative fountain cheerfully adorning the front of his mansion, he plodded unhappily up the stairs, through the large double doors, and into the foyer, an army of maids bowing and bidding their Young Master "Welcome."

Tamaki made a beeline for the stairs, greeting Shima with only a nod. The old maid nodded back, apparently not annoyed enough about anything in particular to drag Tamaki off and give him an earful on her grievances. Tamaki had never been more grateful for the adequacy of his staff.

Finally reaching his bedroom, Tamaki plopped down at his desk, sighing as he pulled his notebooks out of his bag. Ignoring his Foreign Language notebook (it was his best subject, as he was already relatively fluent in English), Tamaki moved on to math. As a calculus student, he had been staying afloat, but it was a drawn-out struggle as he fell farther and farther from a perfect grade. Currently, he was hovering at a low yū, barely above 80%. Pulling out his notebook, a loose page fluttered to the ground. It looked to be a normal assignment, calculating the volume between the x-axis and an interval on a graph, if the section was rotated around the x axis. Tamaki grimaced.

Buckling down to start the assignment, he saw, to his relief, that the assignment was done. In pen, someone had gone through the tedious calculations.

Tamaki hesitated.

If someone had already done his homework, when had they done it? _Why_ had they done it? At the top of the page, someone had signed his name, but instead of 環, the kanji for "Tamaki," messily scribbled in Romaji was "Suoh Tamaki." Not "René Tamaki Richard de Grantaine Suoh," or "René Tamaki Richard de Grantaine," but Suoh Tamaki, the name he used among his friends.

Placing the completed assignment neatly on top of his math notebook, he pulled his flip-phone out of his pocket. Dramatically flipping it open (without looking, of course), he hit the 1 button, then call. Speed dial sure was convenient!

Putting the phone up to his ear, a series of differently pitched tones were rapidly played in his ear, before the familiar sound of a phone ringing replaced it. There was a muffled click halfway through the second ring, and Tamaki relaxed. If anyone could explain the events of the day, it would be Kyoya.

"Senpai!"

"Haruhi?!" He must have hit 2 instead of 1, connecting him to his Daughter instead of Mommy.

"Are you OK, Senpai?!"

"Aww, does my daughter care about me~?" Tamaki cooed, the prospect of Haruhi's affection melting both his heart and his nervous demeanor.

"You scared us."

Tamaki was silent, his Daughter's accusatory tone bringing his confusion surging back. "Um, Haruhi... what happened today?"

There was silence from the other end of the phone.

"Haruhi?" Tamaki prompted her, anxiety worming its' way into his voice.

"I think I need to ask you first."

"Um, well... I woke up today in the Host Club, in the parlor by the dressing rooms... It's kinda hazy, but the next thing I know I was entertaining guests. I dashed out because I was late for a meeting with my father. Things haven't been adding up today. How did I get to school? When did I read the Wikipedia article on Aurum- um, Gold? I meant to call Kyoya, but I ended up calling... well, you..."

"I'm going to add Kyoya to this call," Haruhi said decisively. "I'm not entirely sure what's going on, but he... Well, he's the one who would know the most. Not that we really actually _know_ anything..."

"Haruhi, I don't understand." Tamaki's voice was small, not at all like his usual, boisterously charming flirtations.

"Tamaki-senpai, have you ever heard the name Edward Elric?"


	11. Is that actual pLoT PRogReSsiON?

Last time...

"Haruhi, I don't understand." Tamaki's voice was small, not at all like his usual, boisterously charming flirtations.

"Tamaki-senpai, have you ever heard the name Edward Elric?"

And now...

* * *

Tamaki was silent for a moment, deep in thought."Isn't Edward Elric a character from one of Renge's anime?"

On the other end of the call, Haruhi's eyes widened.

"What? Really?"

"Did I get it wrong? Shit," Tamaki swore casually, then slapped a hand to his mouth. "I'm so sorry Haruhi! Please forgive your father's potty mouth~!" He sobbed dramatically, sliding off his chair and abandoning it, his desk, and his phone in favor of growing mushrooms in a corner.

"No, that's! Senpai, that's actually really helpful!"

It was then that Kyoya picked up his phone, joining the conversation with a classic "Tamaki, you idiot, where have you been all day?"

Tamaki, several feet from his phone, didn't hear Kyoya and Haruhi calling for him. He just sat in the corner, overdramatically depressed, until moments later a strange exhaustion fell over him, leadening his limbs and making his eyes droop.

* * *

When Edward awoke, he was confused. This was the room he had woken up in the first time, right? How did he get back here? What was the strange, squeaking box on the desk? Why was he face-first on a bed of fungi? All questions he yearned to learn the answer to. Well, not a moment to lose, he supposed.

Hauling his face out of a patch of Portobello mushrooms (didn't they grow on logs? The floor was marble under the wool carpet, right?), Ed stood to his full height. Investigating further, the Desk Box was silver and... box like? The squeaks sounded more like words the closer he got... Wait, was this a telephone?! But it was so small, light, and streamlined... I mean, I guess the shape was kind of like the newest phone handles back home, but to pack all of that technology inside a little box! Where was the plug? How did operators even receive calls on these things?

Ed snapped out of it when the squeaking stopped. "Oh, shit, whoops." He picked it up, squinting at the tiny screen above a keypad. A little number 2 was above a little number 1. Next to each number was some... symbol things? _Hiragana, Katakana, and Kanji are the three systems of Japanese writing_. Oh, right. Then next to the 2 would be... Kanji and Katakana? That seemed right. 藤岡 ハルヒ. Yeah. Fujioka Haruhi. Wait. Did this mean that 2 was Fujioka? The second one simply read "Mommy." Ed stood a little straighter. Was the phone connected to Fujioka and... someone's mother? Fujioka's mother? His, or rather Tamaki's, mother?

He lifted the phone to his ear just in time to catch "we're on our way over now." Was that Kyoya? Why was he in a call with Haruhi and someone's mother? Why was the phone beeping at him now?

"Shut up!"

Ed hurled the phone against the far wall, expecting some kind of invisible wire to catch it. It had to be connected somewhere, right? Instead, it shattered into pieces on the ground. Yup, definitely marble under the rug.

"...Shit."


	12. Transmutation

**I AM SO SORRY FOR THE WAIT. I procrastinated and then life got busy and- anyways.** **Please enjoy the next chapter, Happy FMA Day, and happy 1 Year Fanfic-aversary!**

* * *

Edward Elric didn't know what to do. Ever since he had woken up in this foreign room, his world had turned on its' head! No Al, no alchemy (though he hadn't yet thought to try it), and no automail. His three greatest strengths besides, of course, his intelligence.

Said intelligence was telling him he had a few choices. 1) Ed could sit and wait for whomever was coming. 2) Ed could leave, though he didn't know where he would go or what he would do. Or 3) Ed could try to find this Tamaki himself.

Sighing heavily, Ed plopped down in the desk chair. The calculus homework he had finished in the middle of the class sat innocently on the workspace before him. Grabbing a pencil from a cup on one corner of the desk, Ed twirled it between his fingers. Wood and graphite. Simple. Since he had time anyways, might as well ascertain the status of his alchemy.

Flipping the worksheet over, Ed quickly sketched a transmutation circle. He placed the pencil in the circle and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. Ed opened his eyes and hesitantly stretched his hands towards the circle. He paused, and pressed his fingers to the array.

* * *

Everything was white. Ed spun in a circle, but he was unequivocally back in Truth's domain. His left leg was heavy automail and his right arm twiggy and emaciated. This wasn't the strange _other_ whose body he had been stranded in. This was him. And was that what had happened? Had he taken someone else's body? Had everyone been calling him Tamaki because he had taken Tamaki's place? Questions for another time, it would seem, as Ed caught sight of a figure on the white expanse best described as a floor. There, lay sprawled a tall, blond boy in a blue suit-coat and black pants. Ed strided forward, stumbling a bit from his different weight distribution. He crouched next to the other, rolling him over.

"Hey," Ed tapped the stranger's face with his right hand. "Oi, wake up!" Ed slapped him hard with his left hand, the stranger's purple-blue eyes flying open.

"The hell was that for?" He screeched, clutching his reddened cheek before slapping a hand over his mouth.

"You tell me, fuck face!" Ed began hotly. "You were passed out here, do you not even remember how it is you came to be in this situation?" Ed's eyes widened. "The fuck's happening to me?"

The other stood. "You think I fuckin' know, shortie?"

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME SHORT! I'LL RIP OFF YOUR HEAD AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS, YOU OVERGROWN SACK OF STUPID!"

Ed tackled the other, who fell back easily with an "aaa, don't hurt me!" Except it was screamed. Ed tried to punch him with his right hand (usually the stronger of the two), but remembered too late that it was no longer automail. Ed howled as his delicate hand impacted on the others' face, papery skin breaking at the knuckles, even as the other easily shook off the punch.

"FUKING HELL, ED!"

"YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER, TAMAKI!"

Both stopped, confusion written across their features.

"Whaaaaat...?" The leaned back away from each other in surprise.

Ed clutched his bleeding knuckles and Tamaki held his hands to his tender cheeks.

And suddenly Tamaki was sitting at his desk, a tiny wooden figurine of a bird with fragile graphite feathers in the middle of a strange diagram on the back of his math homework.

Tamaki screamed.


	13. It's been a year please don't kill me

Kyoya and Haruhi weren't sure what they were expecting when they found Tamaki, but it definitely wasn't the reality that greeted them. The young Suoh heir's room, usually almost pristine thanks to the maids, was covered in printed circles with geometric designs of varying complexity. A sleek computer monitor displayed roughly fifty tabs open to plot summaries, character analyses, and pictures of some anime called Fullmetal Alchemist. On Tamaki's desk was a delicate bird figurine, which Tamaki had a Shinto priest and two assisting shrine maidens at work seemingly performing an exorcism on or something. Tamaki himself was rifling through the papers wearing a tinfoil hat (more like a lovingly crafted tinfoil swan molded around his cranium) and muttering to himself.

"Senpai, what the hell! Where have you been all day!" Haruhi slapped the hat-swan off of Tamaki's head, and he whimpered.

"Haruhi, there's a voice! In my head!"

"Oh, you have a new one?" Kyoya said smoothly.

"Yes!" Tamaki backtracked. "I mean, No! Yes! I don't know! But he's there! And he went to school for me!"

"Well, I suppose that would explain the appearance of the mysterious Edward..." Kyoya mused, raising a hand to his chin as Tamaki carefully grabbed his tinfoil hat and replaced it with a flourish. Haruhi smacked it right back off.

"If it's just the voice, then what's all this?" Haruhi growled, gesturing to the priest, who paused his ritual to wave at them.

"Well you see, I hired a private detective to figure out what anime Edward was from, and he identified Fullmetal Alchemist. After reading some plot summaries, we determined that wherever Ed is from aligns pretty closely with Brotherhood, the 2009 anime, which is a more direct adaptation of the manga-"

"Tamaki," Kyoya cut him off, pushing up his glasses so that they caught the light. "We've been worried sick all day, stop being an insensitive idiot and get to the point."

"Right, the priest," Tamaki reclaimed his now-deformed tinfoil swan and cradled it to his chest. "Well, Ed shouldn't have been able to do alchemy, but he did, and I think that-"

"Wait, stop, hold on a minute," Haruhi held up her hand this time. "Alchemy? The protoscience? How is that even possible? Yeah, they tried to change base metals into gold, but you're rich, senpai. Why would you even try? It's not like you need more money."

"Edward wanted to try alchemy, so he made the tiny bird on my desk," Tamaki explained, then called a quick, "doing great, guys!" to the priest and shrine maidens, who ignored him and steadfastly continued their craft.

Kyoya raised an eyebrow, his glasses glinting. Haruhi, on the other hand, strode over to examine the figurine. The natural host delicately picked it up. She lightly stroked a wing, and quickly brought her fingers off as the gentle pressure snapped the graphite clear off.

"Ok, senpai. I guess we need to summon Renge or something."


End file.
